dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
