I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
