How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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