i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
