Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
