Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
