He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
drinking out of a sandbucket again
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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