There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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