hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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