Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
