So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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