I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
