I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
