You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
