Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
