This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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