So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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