I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
