Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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