I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
