Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
