i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
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I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
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Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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