the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
