Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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