my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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