i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
