I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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