i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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