I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize