remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
