I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
