You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Hippo gnu deer
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
