you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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