why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
