Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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