I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
