There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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