Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
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Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
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Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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