I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
