Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
