He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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