I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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