I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
