Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
