She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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