im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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