so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
