Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
