I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Oh god it's open bar.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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