2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
