Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
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I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
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But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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