So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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