I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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