please come you make the beer taste better
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
