Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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