I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
