He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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